


amor et nocet

by khrysallis



Category: EXO (Band)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Hospital, Heavy Angst, Infidelity, M/M, mildly confusing timelines
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-10-19
Updated: 2015-10-19
Packaged: 2018-04-27 03:59:50
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 12,613
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5032885
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/khrysallis/pseuds/khrysallis
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>second chances are meant to be earned, not to wait to be given without first putting in any effort.</p>
            </blockquote>





	amor et nocet

 

_I know I'd never let you walk away  
So why do I push you till you break  
And why are you always on the verge of goodbye  
Before I'll show you how I really feel inside_

_Jason Aldean - Why_

 

 

 

 

Jongin sighs and relaxes in his seat, eyes closed as the pair of hands worked on his shoulder. There isn't a better way to loosen up after a long surgical procedure than this, with someone massaging him to ease the kinks in his muscles, and there honestly isn't anyone better than Kyungsoo to do the job. Kyungsoo is more than familiar with Jongin's body, and knows how and where exactly to work on more, in order to dispel every last bit of exhaustion and strain from the fibers of his muscles.

It's honestly one of the only two things that motivate Jongin to finish off his surgeries in a rapid yet precise manner, the other being the three rules that govern a doctor's practice – the most important of it, to do no harm.

"You're really tense today," Kyungsoo says, several minutes into his therapy, and Jongin can imagine him frowning even if he can't see Kyungsoo's face at the moment. "Tough day?"

"Damned skull was too difficult to drill into. That op took me almost three hours to finish." Jongin mumbles sleepily, sitting bonelessly in his chair and feeling absolutely comfortable in his scrubs.

Jongin practically wants to moan aloud when Kyungsoo massages his nape; it's one of the most sensitive parts of his body, and it sends pleasant tingles down his spine. He wonders if Kyungsoo would indulge him in a quickie, if he asks nicely enough. He knows Kyungsoo isn't really into such things on a shift night, especially when someone might walk in on them at any given time. It has never happened so far, though.

"At least you managed to save another life," Kyungsoo points out, a trace of a smile in his words. Jongin likes that Kyungsoo always knows when to say what.

"It's what I live to do," Jongin smiles, feeling satisfied. Being a doctor has always been his lifelong dream, and to be able to actually live it right now, there's really nothing he can complain about.

"I know," Kyungsoo concurs, "and I'm proud–"

And suddenly someone knocks on the door to Jongin's room, causing his eyes to snap wide open, and he straightens himself in alarm. He notes – disappointedly – how the warmth of the pair of hands on his shoulders suddenly disappears, as he clears his throat and calls out in the most stable voice he can muster, "Come in."

His intern – _Taeyong_ , he thinks – peeks into the room through the small gap he's left in the door, as if gauging Jongin's mood after the surgery, and, once he's sure that Jongin isn't frustrated with how the previous surgery had gone, musters up the courage to show more of himself. "Boss," he says, as steadily as he possibly can – Jongin finds Taeyong remarkable, because he's heard of the gossips going around, of Jongin turning into a monster when he's pissed at the world. "We need you for another emergency surgery. Guy got stabbed in the abdomen and his intestines are all breaking free. They're pushing him in now."

Jongin must have appeared slightly annoyed by the new piece of information, because Taeyong positively shrinks back when Jongin sucks in a deep breath. He rubs the bridge of his nose and closes his eyes as he leans forward on the table, regulating his breaths before answering. "I'll be right there, Taeyong. Scrub in first and get the nurse to ring me up."

"Noted. See you in a bit, Mr Kim."

Once he's left alone, Jongin sinks back into his chair, the beginnings of a headache starting to gnaw at him once again. That's when he realises Taeyong hadn't acknowledged the other person who's in the room with him, and Jongin quickly swerves around in his seat, hoping that he'll receive a smile of encouragement for him to get through the night in one piece.

He finds no one there.

It's only then that Jongin remembers with a chilling start what had happened between him and Kyungsoo, and there's no way the older man is ever going to be anywhere near Jongin if he has the choice. He had been hallucinating from his exhaustion, his body automatically latching onto the past memories which were almost a routine for him by now.

Jongin wastes no further time in pulling himself to stand, and closes the door behind his too-cold room with a silent click which reverberates through the quiet hallways.

There's another life to save; his own doesn't matter much anyway. Not anymore.

 

\--

 

_"You really do not have any sense of self-preservation, Kim Jongin. Haven't you had enough to drink?" A frown, followed by a laugh and a shove. Jongin laughs along._

_"What does it matter? I'm wasting my life away in the confines of the hospital, anyway." Another swig of beer. A drunken hiccup._

_Jongin freezes when the other man rests his head on Jongin's shoulder. It's not like him to outwardly show any gestures of affection when they're in public. It doesn't even matter that they're on the top of the hill where barely anyone goes to in the dead of the night, seated on the hood of Jongin's car right now._ Tsundere, _Jongin has always teased him, even as the other man continues to deny that he reciprocates Jongin's feelings for him, despite having dated Jongin for the last couple of weeks. By then, Jongin has come to realise that he shows his affections in different ways – mostly cooking for him, but never anything physical. "Kyungsoo, are you drunk?"_

_Jongin yelps in pain when Kyungsoo pinches him in the side, which elicits even more laughter from the other man. Kyungsoo must be really drunk. He's never this open with his feelings. "Don't underestimate my alcohol tolerance, you asshole." Kyungsoo snaps when he's done laughing, his words packing a lot less bite than it usually does._

_"Well. Can't blame me for thinking that way. You're not exactly acting very normal today."_

_A raise of his eyebrow – a challenge. "In what way?"_

_"Too much laughing, too many smiles," Jongin says, the beer bottle pressed against his lips as he purses it in thought. Sometimes, he doesn't feel like they're_ actually _dating, from the lack of intimacy between them, and how much he doesn't know about Kyungsoo. All Jongin knows is that he likes the side of Kyungsoo's who's always serious with his work, and the fact that he doesn't tolerate nonsense from someone else. He's not even afraid of going against Jongin, when everyone else would rather stay on Jongin's good side for fear of the repercussions that would follow. It's in such a way that Jongin had slowly come to admire, and eventually fall for Kyungsoo._

_"You don't know me all that well, then," is Kyungsoo's straightforward answer, one that doesn't sit well with Jongin's pride. He's never taken this long to decipher another person before. Do Kyungsoo is a challenge. Jongin both loves and hates challenges._

_"You need to open up more," Jongin says, and he sounds petulant even to his own ears, but he doesn't care._

_Kyungsoo's elbow digs into his side once again. "Where's the fun in giving you everything you want? Someone has got to make you work for things sometimes."_

_Jongin rightfully scowls at Kyungsoo. "You're a horrible person. I don't even know why I wanted to date you."_

_More laughter comes from Kyungsoo, but Jongin drinks it all in regardless. He likes this uninhibited side of Kyungsoo, wishes he's the only one who is privileged enough to see it._

_"Shut up, Jongin." Kyungsoo tells him, before pulling Jongin forward by the front of his shirt, and melds their lips together._

_This, Jongin thinks, is heaven._

 

\--

 

Jongin really doesn't know how he had ended up being seated at the same table as Kim Minseok for lunch, but the Psychiatrist is sure as hell good at reading faces, which makes it all the more difficult for Jongin to actually continue sitting there from the sheer amount of discomfort he's feeling, let alone swallow his food in peace.

In the end, he sighs in exasperation and puts down his chopsticks when he can no longer stand the gaze which is trying to burn holes into his skull. " _What_ , Minseok hyung. If you have something to say, please just do it."

Minseok's smiling when Jongin looks up, and he shifts uncomfortably in his seat. Even though Jongin _adores_ Minseok for being a fantastic listener, he does sometimes wish that the older man would give him a break, especially when he's trying to figure things out for himself. "I wasn't even doing anything." He says innocently, but Jongin isn't fooled. He knows that line by heart now, and the things that would follow.

"You say that all the time, hyung." Jongin narrows his eyes. "Really, what do you want to ask?"

It takes a longer while before Minseok's smile mellows down. "I'm just worried. You haven't quite been yourself these days, and you don't usually do EOD calls like you've been doing for the past couple of weeks."

It doesn't take a rocket scientist for Jongin to guess which route their conversation is heading towards, and he doesn't like it. He's been trying to keep up a farce for so long, but of course Minseok is the first person who sees through it. He kind of wishes Minseok isn't so damned perceptive all the time.

"I'm fine. I just need the on-call allowance, that's all." Jongin lies, though he perks up when he sees an achingly familiar face appearing through the doors of the staff cafeteria.

Jongin doesn't actually realise his eyes had followed the figure all the way to the cashier until he looks away in disappointment at being ignored once again, only to see Minseok staring knowingly at him.

"Really." Minseok deadpans and casts a sweeping glance at the cashier counter, where their common acquaintance stands. Jongin really, _really_ hates it when he's being so horribly transparent to the world. "You and I both know that you have enough money in your bank account to last you the next couple of years. Why don't you talk to him?"

Jongin looks away, picking up his chopsticks once again and stabbing absently at the rice grains in his bowl, turning them into mush. "If only things are that easy, Minseok hyung."

"Never try, never know," Minseok eggs him on, but Jongin only shakes his head again.

He knows that he's done something unforgivable, even if it _was_ by mistake.

 

\--

 

Things probably wouldn't be as awkward if they were working in different departments, but life has its own special fucked up way of being cruel to those who are already drowning neck-deep in shit.

That fact never fails to elude Jongin when he does his rounds in the morning, his smiles turning frigid the moment pale skin and heart-shaped lips commands his entire field of vision. On the surface, Jongin and Kyungsoo have always kept things professional between them, and only a select few _really_ knows about the sort of relationship they shared, but Jongin finds it to be an increasingly difficult feat to accomplish, the pretending. He can't stop his eyes from wandering, can't keep his attention from wavering whenever he hears Kyungsoo's voice, even if the words aren't really directed towards him.

In short, Jongin is going crazy, and it frankly scares him because he's never felt this way about anyone else before – never this strongly.

He does, however, clear his throat and forces himself to focus on his rounds and what his intern is trying to tell him about the patient's progress that morning, smiling as he greets the gentleman who's currently recuperating from a bowel surgery. The man looks healthy enough, and it's been almost a week since his surgery, so he lets the man go. Without thinking, Jongin turns to Kyungsoo who's lingering close by, and calls for him out of habit, "Kyungsoo, can you please see to this gentleman's discharge and make sure the necessary documents are prepared?"

As if not expecting Jongin to talk to him at all, Kyungsoo's back stiffens visibly, his voice hard when he replies to Jongin, "Yes, Mr Kim. I will get everything ready by the time your rounds are over."

"Thanks," Jongin lets the words out in a rush, hoping his expression isn't as contorted as he feels it is. If anyone has noticed the tenseness between Kyungsoo and Jongin, something which hasn't ever been present until a month ago, no one says a thing. He doesn't even realise he's been holding his breath until Kyungsoo disappears behind the counter with the patient's file, and he wonders if Taeyong has picked up on the change in his relationship dynamics with Kyungsoo, when he turns around and finds his intern clutching his files as though his life depended on it.

Jongin sighs again for the umpteenth time that morning, taking in a deep breath to calm his rising irritation. He knows it isn't fair for his interns if he ever lost his cool because of the mess that is his private life, and Jongin is really trying not to be the malignant boss everyone comes to fear. Only when he's sure he's calm enough to not get ticked off by the simplest of mistakes does Jongin lead his group of interns to the next patient.

It really is a difficult feat to filter out Kyungsoo's voice while he's trying to focus on his rounds. Hellish isn't even adequate to describe his situation right now.

 

\--

 

The bass beats are loud in his ear, making his pulse match its rhythm five minutes into his venture at the local club. For some reason, Jongin no longer feels the same thrill he's had in the past upon stepping into a club, and all he can pick out amidst his messed up emotions is an unmistakable sense of annoyance. Everyone is dancing too awfully close to him, melting everything into a blur, and he can't be sure if a drunk guy had just tried to feel him up through his pants. Either way, Jongin forces his way through the dance floor crowd with his elbows digging into flesh, trying to locate his friends who would not accept no for an answer when they'd asked him out earlier.

Taemin is the first to spot him in the dark club, rising from his seat with his arm raised in greeting. "Jongin, my man! Haven't seen you in a while!" He slurs, and Jongin wrinkles his nose a little at the way his friend reeked of alcohol. Someone had started early with his drinks, it seems.

Not wanting to be the party pooper, though, Jongin forces himself to smile. He shouldn't be here. "I don't have as much free time as you lawyers do, dude. Cut me some slack."

Sehun, who's been glancing past Jongin and trying to find someone in the crowd, finally turns to him with a smirk. "You sneaky asshole. Where are you hiding that chick of yours? Planning to give us another surprise after you managed to nail Irene the other time?"

Confused, Jongin frowns at him. "What chick? I came alone tonight."

As if that statement itself is the shock of the century, both Taemin and Sehun's jaws go unhinged as they stare at him in disbelief. "Are you shitting us, man?" Taemin asks above the noise of the crowd. "Kim Jongin, the most notorious playboy the night scene has come to ever know, is without a date?"

If Jongin wasn't already annoyed before, he sure is now. He hasn't been sleeping around ever since he's started seeing Kyungsoo – but of course no one else knows about that. Jongin hasn't come out of the closet about his sexuality yet; doesn't think he'll ever be ready. It doesn't mean he doesn't have the right to get pissed at his _friends_ , however. "What if I've decided that I don't want to live such a life anymore? Is it such a big deal?"

Rather than silencing his friends, though, his statement merely makes them laugh even harder, and Sehun even slaps him on his back. "Are you having a quarter-life crisis or something? Quit fucking around!"

It's the last straw for Jongin, who stands up abruptly and nearly topples the table over in the process. "I don't even know why I even bothered," is all that he says, before he walks away from his friends, ignoring their calls for him to _get the fuck back here_.

That is the first time Jongin has ever walked into a club and out of it without touching a single drop of alcohol. There's an innate fear within him, that he'll do something unforgivable again if he drinks, much like the incident which became the catalyst of Kyungsoo leaving him for good.

He doesn't want that to happen again, not when he's still trying to win Kyungsoo back.

 

\--

 

_I never knew you were into guys._

_What does it matter? I'm telling you now, aren't I?_

_You_ do _know about your reputation, don't you? What makes you think I should believe in you, that it's not another one of those tasteless pranks you're playing on me just because you know I'm gay?_

_You think being gay is something that's laughable?_

_No, I don't, but I'm not too sure about you, Kim Jongin._

_I'm telling you this seriously, Do Kyungsoo. I_ like _you. What do I have to do to convince you?_

_Nothing. I'm not interested._

_One chance._

_What?_

_One chance. It's all I'm asking for. For me to convince you that I'm really serious about you._

_...Fine. One chance, only because I like you too. But if you screw it up, don't even think about getting another._

_What? What's that about you liking me?_

_Shut up before I change my mind._

 

\--

 

_You lied_ , Jongin can still hear Kyungsoo say, can still picture the disappointment and betrayal in his eyes as he glared at Jongin the moment he walked into their shared apartment, six weeks ago. Jongin's clothes had been in a complete state of disarray, having returned from a drunken night out, and it wasn't in his plans to have bumped into Kyungsoo that morning. Kyungsoo was supposed to be at work, not at home, and he wasn't supposed to run into the aftermath of Jongin's accidental straying, the forgotten lipstick mark still fresh on the underside of his jaw.

_I can explain_ , Jongin had tried to tell Kyungsoo, _it was a mistake_ , but Kyungsoo's expressions were already shut off as he turned on his heels and marched into their bedroom, stuffing his clothes into an empty suitcase before pushing past a distraught Jongin.

_Some mistake that is_ , Kyungsoo had snapped back scathingly. _I've always known that you haven't exactly accepted your sexual orientation, but this is low, even for you._

_Kyungsoo, please–_ , Jongin had called out weakly, afraid of raising his voice any further because he'd definitely break, because it really was a mistake Jongin hadn't intentionally made, but Kyungsoo had merely stepped further away from him.

_One chance_ , Kyungsoo had reminded him. _You asked me to give you one chance to prove yourself, and you've just ruined it._

Their – now _his_ – apartment had never been quieter, when Kyungsoo slammed the door shut behind him, leaving Jongin all alone in the suddenly too-wide space. Jongin wasn't someone who'd cry easily, owing to his massive pride, but that morning, he found himself sinking to his knees in despair, blaming himself for being so incredibly careless. He knows Kyungsoo will stay true to his words, and when he tells Jongin there's no second chance, Jongin knows instinctively that he's lost Kyungsoo for good.

That fact never fails to elude Jongin's conscious mind, even haunting him in his dreams, costing Jongin hours and hours of sleep in the wake of his guilt.

It's tiring.

 

\--

 

Fate is playing games with him, he's sure of it. Why else would Jongin find himself staring wide-eyed at the girl who's standing at the entrance to his ward when he finishes his rounds for the morning, the unmistakable chill running down the length of his arm and spreading up to the tips of his fingers?

He might have been drunk that night, but Jongin doesn't think he'll ever be able to forget the face he'd woken up in abject horror to on the very next morning, with both of them lying naked beneath her white sheets. Jongin may have had his fair share of one night stands in the past, but that must have been the first time he's ever gotten dressed and hightailing out of the house so quickly.

It definitely doesn't help that he recognises the girl to be an intern at the hospital, one of the brightest the Medical department has come to know in the recent years. News travels fast in the hospital, and it's only by a stroke of luck that the incident with Jung Soojung wasn't already on the mouths of every single hospital staff. His relationship with Kyungsoo is different, though; most of their common friends didn't even know that they were dating, unless they'd come across Jongin and Kyungsoo together outside their workplace. Kyungsoo loves to keep everything between them strictly professional when they were at work, which Jongin is perfectly fine with. Outside of work, though, it's a different ball game altogether.

Until now.

Once he's made sure no one's paying attention, Jongin walks out of the confines of his ward and turns sharply to the right, heading in the direction of the staff's pantry which he knows will be rather deserted at this time of the morning. "Follow after me if you have something to say," he tells Soojung on his way out, who nods and walks after him, pretending as though she's merely an intern seeking her superior out for advice on work-related matters.

Thankfully, apart from a couple other interns who stopped to greet Jongin along the way, no one else really paid much attention to them, nor asked why they were together. Soojung is still silent even when Jongin has closed the door behind them, something which strikes Jongin as odd, because as far as he remembers, Soojung had _a lot_ to say when they had been out for drinks the other night, and it definitely wasn't because of the alcohol.

"It's been more than a month. What gives?" Jongin tells her as-a-matter-of-factly, leaning against the counter as he eyes the girl before him. She has a pretty face, now that Jongin's looking at her properly without all that alcohol in his system, and the room is bright enough for him to make out that small mole on her face. Someone whom Jongin might really fall for in the long run, if he actually talks to her and finds her personality as attractive as her physical being, if his heart and mind isn't actually being filled with Kyungsoo Kyungsoo _Kyungsoo_. His mind unhelpfully supplements him with the images of her baring everything for him just then, how slim her waist actually is beneath her white coat and all her work clothes, as well as the smoothness of her skin under the pads of his fingers.

He bites down hard on the insides of his cheeks, using pain to distract himself from those inappropriate images. Jongin really doesn't need his _other_ head to do the thinking or the talking on his behalf right now.

"I hadn't planned on doing this, either." Soojung's piercing gaze cuts up to look at him, and for a moment, Jongin wonders if he's imagining the vulnerability and the uncertainty he can see in her eyes. It frankly unsettles him, when he hears the lingering _but–_ left unsaid. "We were stupid and foolish to have drank so much and ended up sleeping with each other. I'd rather not talk about it if I could."

Jongin frowns even more at her. "Why don't you cut to the chase, Soojung?" He says gruffly, his patience fast running thin. _You and your surgeon traits_ , he can almost hear Kyungsoo telling him with an unimpressed face, and Jongin pushes that out of his mind, too. He's going to go mad at the rate things are progressing.

"My period's delayed." Sensing his impending outburst, Soojung tells him in a rush of breath. He honestly wishes she hadn't, because his mind is already fast at work the moment her words registered, computing what she might have possibly meant. It _definitely_ doesn't help that he's a doctor, which deals him with the only implication he can think of at that point of time, the single most important driving force behind their meeting today.

He clenches his jaw, feeling incredibly burdened, and his nails dig into the flesh of his palm. This isn't the right time for them to discuss this – not when he's already worrying over enough things, one of it being his relationship with Kyungsoo. But Jongin isn't an irresponsible person, either, so he sighs and turns around to grip the counter hard, unable to bring himself to face Soojung. This isn't supposed to happen.

"Have you gotten yourself tested?"

There's a rustle of clothes behind him, and Jongin imagines that Soojung's fingers must be digging into her white coat. "Yeah–" she replies briefly, though before he can ask her anything else, something lands on the counter beside him with a soft thud. "You can take a look for yourself."

From the corner of his eyes, Jongin can see that dreaded double line imprinted on the test strip through the biohazard bag. His heart drops, knowing perfectly well how sensitive these kits actually are. Jongin screws his eyes shut and tries to think, but Soojung seems to have misinterpreted his silence as a declaration of not wanting to bear the responsibility, so she sighs and clears her throat.

"It's fine, you know. I'm not planning to abort this, and neither am I going to force the responsibility on you if you don't want it. I'll figure things out myself." Soojung tells him. Despite her efforts at keeping a brave front, Jongin can hear the insecurity and fear in her words, the slight trembling of her voice as she tries to hold herself together. Facing a possible pregnancy is not something one can go through on her own, not when Soojung already has the weight of her work on her shoulders, the pressure threatening to crush her if she were to be remotely distracted.

"Soojung, wait–" Jongin calls after her the moment he hears the door open, and reaches out to grab hold of her without putting much thought into his actions. He can hear her gasp audibly against his shirt when Jongin gathers Soojung into his embrace, but it only makes him hold her even tighter, wanting her to understand what he's trying to tell her. "You're not in this alone. I'm partly responsible for this, and I'm not going to let you face it on your own."

There's a tense moment that stretches on as Jongin awaits Soojung's decision – because this ultimately affects her life more than anyone else's, and she has the right to choose – but in the end, he breathes in relief when her arms come up to wrap around his waist. It's only then that Soojung lets the last of her defenses crumble, her fears finally coming to light in the form of tears that soak through the fabric of Jongin's black shirt.

He's not the only one who's suddenly afraid, though, when he looks up and catches the gaze of none other than Kyungsoo watching them with his jaw set. Jongin had forgotten that the door was left open, and he positively wants to strangle himself when he can't even chase after Kyungsoo, who walks away hurriedly when he realises he's been found.

That day, Jongin feels as though his entire world has caved in around him, leaving him drowning in the mess he's made with his own hands. He's never been more helpless.

 

\--

 

_Trust me, let me take charge._

It's what Kyungsoo had told him, the first time they'd stripped each other bare in the confines of Jongin's bedroom, when Jongin had abashedly admitted that he'd never had any all-out sexual encounters with someone of the same gender. Sure, he'd experimented some back in medical school, when he had been much too stressed out from studying and needed some form of release that wasn't food or anime. Junmyeon, a senior of his at the university, was godsent in that sense, and they'd spent more nights than one with hands down each other's pants and lips firmly sealed around their cocks, messily building up to their eventual release.

That was the time when Jongin had started realising that he isn't merely attracted to girls, but he'd never acted upon those skewed feelings, for fear of pushing Junmyeon away and inviting unnecessary scorn from the rest, and especially when Junmyeon had only sought him out because his then girlfriend was too much of a prude.

That night, Kyungsoo had been so incredibly patient with him, showing Jongin everything he needed to know. Jongin had sat on his heels, mesmerised as he watched Kyungsoo coat his own fingers with a liberal amount of lube, before plunging them into his hole, slowly working himself open. It had been quite the sight, Kyungsoo fucking down on his own fingers while his other hand had pumped his cock at the same time, and Jongin had wondered if Kyungsoo did the same when they were apart, masturbating to the thought of Jongin.

Kyungsoo hadn't allowed Jongin to fist himself, though. Instead, he had surprised Jongin with his boldness by pushing the younger man onto the bed, before positioning himself right above Jongin and sinking down onto Jongin's fully-erect cock. Jongin had never cummed so fast or so hard in his life before, each grind of Kyungsoo's hips against his groin making his head spin in the best way possible.

Kyungsoo hadn't judged him for his obvious inexperience. Rather, he'd held Jongin's hand along the way, both gradually exploring what worked for their relationship, and how they fitted best both in bed and at work. It's the first time Jongin has ever experienced such a fulfilling relationship, and he had honestly thought he'll be contented to spend the rest of his life with Kyungsoo.

All that has gone down the drain, however, and Jongin has no one but himself to blame.

 

\--

 

_I know it's going to be one hell of a night again for you (aren't your night calls always eventful?) so I made you some food. Better eat when you have the time. ~~I love~~ Or I will murder you in your sleep. I'm serious._

 

\--

 

Jongin's stomach is rumbling at the wrong fucking time, he thinks in exasperation. To be fair, he hasn't had a bite for the entire day, save for the can of coffee Soojung had very thoughtfully gotten for him from the vending machine when she had walked past him in the hallway and decided that he looked like death that morning. But for his hunger to kick in when he least expects it to – when he has something more important than work to do – it really just annoys him, especially when he's supposed to have gotten used to it after having starved himself on countless occasions when he was still an intern. Perhaps Jongin has really been spoilt rotten by the lunch boxes which would be on his table every single day without fail for the past year or so.

Still, Jongin forces himself to pay attention at the important matters at hand. There's a bit of disbelief which still lingers in his mind as he takes a seat across the other man in the café, and he can't stop wondering if his dreams had overlapped with reality, if this is real. It doesn't seem like it to him.

In retrospect, Jongin had acted purely on impulse when he'd sent a text message to Kyungsoo, right before he had gotten off work – _can't we talk?_ , the message had said. It's a manifestation of the recurrent thoughts in his mind, something which refuses to leave him alone despite Jongin telling himself he can't harp on being with Kyungsoo any longer, not when Soojung is pregnant with his child, not when he knows he's disappointed, _hurt_ Kyungsoo and doesn't deserve a second chance.

It doesn't stop his heart from leaping in joy when Kyungsoo had replied with a _yes_ , followed by the name of the café which they had their first date, though. He's still a bundle of nerves even as Kyungsoo sighs and looks up at him from across the table, and Jongin only realises then how much he's missed Kyungsoo. He has to resist the urge to reach forward and pull Kyungsoo into his arms, knowing Kyungsoo will probably end up punching him in the face and walking right off if he ever dares convert his desires into action.

"Hi," Jongin smiles awkwardly and plays with his fingers in a nervous gesture, a habit of the past when he had still been unsure about himself. "It's been a while," he says, even though they've been seeing each other at the hospital frequently whenever their shifts clashed.

Kyungsoo must have understood what Jongin had meant, though, and he flashes a rather stiff smile at him. Two months is a long while to spend being apart from someone you love. Jongin can feel that now. "Didn't expect I'd agree to come out, did you?"

Jongin presses his lips into a thin line and shakes his head no. "You aren't exactly talking to me, even at the wards. I had no reason to hope." He reminds Kyungsoo, whose eyes become downcast, the smile on his lips turning melancholic. Before this, Jongin had thought that Kyungsoo wasn't very much affected by their fallout, considering how Kyungsoo went about his daily responsibilities with a smile on his face. Looking at him up close right now, though, Jongin takes note of the shadows beneath Kyungsoo's eyes, and how they don't seem to shine the way they had when Jongin and Kyungsoo were still together. A pang of guilt stabs him in the chest, because Jongin _knows_ it's entirely his fault.

"You and Soojung–" Kyungsoo starts, then his throat clamps up, seemingly unable to bring himself to complete his question. Jongin remembers the day when Soojung had broken the news about her pregnancy to him, and Kyungsoo's bewildered expression when Jongin had looked up, his arms still wrapped tightly around Soojung's trembling frame.

"It was a mistake. It wasn't meant to happen." Jongin maintains, but he sighs and hangs his head nonetheless. "But I'm not going to give you excuses anymore."

"Are you two together?" Kyungsoo asks. Jongin wonders if he imagined the trace of hopefulness in Kyungsoo's voice, reflected in the way he's looking right at Jongin.

Jongin chews on his bottom lip, unsure what to tell Kyungsoo. He's only bound to Soojung because of the baby in her stomach, but still they're both trying. He doesn't feel anything for Soojung – not yet. In the end, he decides on the truth. Kyungsoo hates it when Jongin lies. He doesn't see a point in aggravating the situation between them. "We're not. But she's pregnant with my child. I have to take responsibility for the mess I've created."

The way Kyungsoo smiles at him because of his words is downright heartbreaking. "Funny, how it takes something like this for you to settle down." Kyungsoo tells him, and Jongin's heart constricts because how could he only have realised what it was that Kyungsoo had been seeking all this while? "It's what I had hoped you would come to see, to be the one I could come home to at the end of the day. I guess–" He swallows hard and pulls his mug a little closer to him, but never raises it to his lips. Jongin puts himself in Kyungsoo's shoes, and imagines himself staring at the steam slowly rising from the surface of his coffee. His knuckles are white. "–I guess, we probably met at the wrong time, in the wrong way."

"Kyungsoo, I–"

Kyungsoo shakes his head and cuts Jongin off. "Forget all that we were, Jongin. Soojung needs someone to be there for her, and I'm sure you can step up to the role now. Make her happy, and be a good father for the kid."

Even as the night grows deep, Jongin remains seated at the table, staring mindlessly at his drink which had long since gone cold. Kyungsoo himself had left hours ago after giving Jongin a gentle squeeze on his shoulder, but the ghost of his touch still lingers. The meeting with Kyungsoo had ended a lot more peacefully than Jongin had expected it to, but still he's left with a gaping hollowness in his chest, knowing that things are officially over between him and Kyungsoo. Jongin doesn't cry that evening, though; he doesn't have the right to.

 

\--

 

_Don't you think it's sweet that Mr Park and his wife are still doting over each other so much even though they're in their 80s?_

_Sweet is the last word I had expected to come out of your mouth, Kyungsoo. Ow! Why did you pinch me for?!_

_Serves you right, Kim Jongin. Seriously, though, don't you hope for a relationship like that?_

_Hmm. Maybe in another ten years I would, but not now. We're still too young for that._

_But I'm a couple of years older than you are. And I'm definitely not getting younger. Maybe–_

_Maybe what?_

_(A sigh.) Nothing, Jongin. Forget I said anything._

 

\--

 

Having an amiable separation with Kyungsoo doesn't necessarily equate to Jongin being able to get on with his life as per usual. He still hopes, _craves_ for Kyungsoo's attention, for his touch that lingers on his skin whenever Kyungsoo thinks he's fallen asleep, the way Kyungsoo would whisper _I love you_ to the night, thinking that Jongin can't hear him. Seeing as he doesn't have a concrete relationship with Soojung, though, Jongin doesn't feel as guilty when his gaze lingers a second too long on Kyungsoo's smaller frame. If he can't be with Kyungsoo, the least he's allowed to do is to watch over him.

It's cost him quite a bit though, the staring and the distraction. In that sense, Jongin is only thankful that his interns and registrars are alert enough to question some of his more bizarre decisions before they're put into action, and they're almost never harmful to his patients.

Jongin doesn't realise he's been staring at Kyungsoo openly, though, until Soojung elbows him none-too-gently one day while they're walking out of the hospital together. Kyungsoo had just passed them by, going in for his shift that evening, and Jongin, as usual, had been pulled in by the strange sort of magnetism which only Kyungsoo can exert on him.

"Is there something going on between you and him?" She asks rather bluntly, which causes Jongin to splutter incoherently because _damn_ , Soojung is perceptive.

"Why do you ask?" Jongin tries to play at nonchalance when he manages to get a grip on himself, but the way Soojung narrows her eyes at him tells him she doesn't buy his words.

"Y'know how they usually draw comic characters with hearts as eyes?" Soojung prompts. "You kinda look like that. Like Kyungsoo oppa is the only person you can see."

Soojung has made a very valid observation, but Jongin isn't going to give her the satisfaction of knowing she's right. The girl needs someone to be mean to her sometimes, pregnant or not. "Don't be ridiculous, Soojung." He snorts instead, giving Soojung a withering look and hoping she'll let things go. He isn't really in the mood to talk about his relationship with Kyungsoo, not now.

"Am I?" Soojung muses, the knowing smile curling on her lips. "I'm not against homosexual relationships, if you must know."

"But I'm bi–" Jongin hurriedly tries to cover up, only to groan aloud when he realises he's fallen into Soojung's trap.

"Keep denying it, then." She tells him in a sing-song voice, even as Jongin throws in explanation after explanation in hopes that it'll make her ditch the subject. It only successfully makes her grind the cold hard fact further in, however.

In a last ditch attempt, Jongin tries to buy her silence. "Please don't tell anyone else. It's not supposed to be known–"

Soojung grins at him. "Your secret's safe with me, Jongin oppa. I mean, we have our own secret to keep, don't we?" She then pats at her own stomach, where a baby bump is still far from being sighted. "You should think things over, though. Was the decision to not announce it to everyone made by one party, or both?"

The question hits him hard, because as far as Jongin is concerned, he has always been the one who tries to hide his relationship with Kyungsoo, not wanting anyone else to know about his skewed preferences under the pretense that he's not ready to walk out of the proverbial closet. Kyungsoo has always accomodated to him, however, and Jongin has never been more grateful for Kyungsoo's endless patience with him.

Realising Soojung is still waiting for an answer, Jongin merely sighs and opens the door for the passenger seat of the car for her to climb into. "Let's not talk about this today, Soojung. You're going to be late for your ultrasound appointment."

But Soojung's question never really leaves his mind, causing Jongin to lose his sleep later that night.

 

\--

 

_What do you think about kids?_

_They're a nuisance. Little imps. Spawns of Satan._

_They're not_ that _bad, Jongin._

_Try working in the Paediatrics department for a couple of weeks_ then _talk to me again, won't you?_

_You sound like you've had a tough time being a Paediatrics intern._

_The thought of it is making me shudder. Why the sudden question?_

_I dunno. I like kids, I guess._

_Then find someone to have them with you._

_I was hoping that y–_

_What were you saying before I took that call, Kyungsoo?_

_Never mind, it's nothing important._

 

\--

 

If Jongin hadn't been excited over the prospect that he's going to be a father soon, he sure is after accompanying Soojung to her first abdominal scan appointment. At least there's something tangible for him to fall back on, when he now knows for sure that there's a _foetus_ growing inside of Soojung's womb, rather than something abstract like a urine pregnancy test which can be easily forged and played off as true.

It's not as though Jongin doesn't trust Soojung – he does, though he prefers confirming facts with his own eyes. It's just the way Jongin is accustomed to, being a surgeon and all.

Soojung also makes things easier for Jongin. The more time he spends with her, the more she strikes him as an intelligent, independent woman who doesn't whine that much, despite the retching episodes that seize her in the mornings. Her personality is also likeable enough, so Jongin can't find a cause for complaint. It's why he's welcomed her to stay at his apartment, so that he could take better care of her through her early pregnancy days. Soojung hadn't agreed at first, not wanting to be a bother to Jongin when they're supposedly just friends, but had finally relented after Jongin's persistent coaxing.

Being with Soojung like this – cohabiting, taking care of her needs, watching their baby grow week by week – gives Jongin a newfound understanding of what it means to have a family of his own. If Jongin had been wild and free in the past, he's starting to see what it means to settle down, and the simple bliss, comfort, and natural sense of responsibility that comes with it.

The only problem, Jongin thinks, is how he yearns for another person to be his partner, and it certainly isn't Soojung. But he wants to step into the role that Kyungsoo has wanted him to be in, albeit for someone else's sake.

 

\--

 

I kinda get what you mean by wanting to have kids now. And I wished it was you instead of Soojung.

_Save in Drafts?_

_Yes_

 

\--

 

"Say," Soojung quips as she lands on the sofa next to Jongin, a book in her hands. "You haven't exactly told me how you and Kyungsoo oppa happened."

Jongin chokes on his glass of juice and raises an eyebrow in Soojung's direction. "I don't think I've ever agreed to tell you anything, Soojung."

Unfortunately for Jongin, though, Soojung has already learned enough tricks to butter Jongin into doing things for her – mostly to get random foodstuffs for her at the randomest times of the night. A pout it is, and Jongin doesn't even have the heart to object. "Come on. We've shared _the_ most intimate moment any two people could have. What's another secret?"

"Must I?" Jongin tries weakly, though he knows the fight is lost when Soojung curls up next to him and just stares at him with her puppy eyes. He merely sighs and wraps an arm around her shoulder to pull Soojung closer, pressing his cheek against the top of her head.

With a soft voice, Jongin tells Soojung how he had come to realise he swings both ways, the way his heart had thumped whenever Junmyeon returned from the day's classes with a bright smile as he greeted Jongin, though he leaves out the details of their messy hand– and blowjobs. He tells her of how Kyungsoo and him became acquainted, how Kyungsoo had actively antagonised him at first, refusing to give in to the _hyperinflated egos of a surgeon who can't survive without the rest of his team_ , how Kyungsoo doesn't ever seem to get intimidated by Jongin's mere existence, unlike the rest of the department who has heard of Jongin's rather aggressive tendencies when he's pissed.

"He sounds like he hates you a lot." Soojung comments, and Jongin can hear the frown in her voice, which makes him laugh. Then the reality of life comes crashing back down on him, and Jongin's laughter trails off.

"He does. Did. I didn't expect for him to agree when I asked him out." He says, his fingers absently combing through Soojung's hair. It's funny, how he can grow attached to someone without involving any feelings of love in between. Perhaps he feels inclined to be protective over Soojung and the child in her womb. He _has_ to be, for all that he's done to knock her up.

"He broke up with you because of us?" Soojung's voice is uncharacteristically small when she speaks up next, her hand squeezing his thigh in sympathy. The corner of Jongin's mouth quirks up into a wry smile.

"He has every right to. I was the one who cheated on him. He doesn't deserve someone like me who takes him for granted." Jongin confesses, and he doesn't realise exactly how in love he is with Kyungsoo until his heart twists painfully in his chest. It's difficult.

"I'm sorry," comes the whisper moments later, and Jongin finds that he can't do anything but to hold Soojung closer. She shouldn't feel guilty for anything at all, not when he's the one to blame.

 

\--

 

Jealousy is an ugly feeling, like a monster that slowly creeps up on you and consumes you whole.

Jongin has the first taste of the extent of his jealousy when he spots Kyungsoo having lunch with another colleague of theirs with too wide a smile, two weeks after their small chat at the café. Park Chanyeol, Jongin recognises, a dentist who frequently comes to the surgical ward to review patients who come under both their departments. Something doesn't sit well with Jongin, in the way Kyungsoo isn't afraid of being seen in the open chatting with Park Chanyeol, when he would never even agree to a simple lunch at the hospital's cafeteria with Jongin, for fear of gossips that might form. There's also the way Kyungsoo is smiling too much at the things Chanyeol tells him, like he isn't even affected by the breakup between him and Jongin.

It's not quite fair, when Jongin is agonising all on his own, and Kyungsoo has already moved on so soon.

"He's going to burst into flames if you don't stop burning him down with your gaze," a voice speaks up in his ear, the mirth clear as daylight in his voice. Jongin isn't amused, though, so he turns to his new companion and scowls.

"It would be a great sight if it does happen," Jongin mutters darkly, but Minseok only shakes his head and takes a seat across Jongin, sliding his lunch tray onto the table.

"You do know that he's going to end up in _your_ department's Burns Unit if it happens, and will be under your direct care right? Hippocrates' Oath, remember?" Minseok reminds him, and Jongin thinks his friend is being a little too cheerful, for all that his words are making him feel miserable.

"I don't like you. Why are you even here."

Minseok only smiles at him. "Because I'm supposed to talk sense into you. Or something." He shrugs, and then the serious atmosphere seeps in between them. Jongin feels rather suffocated, and he shifts in his seat uncomfortably. "I heard about you and Soojung. You're not really being fair to her, or anyone else for that matter, if you keep on holding on and pining for him."

Jongin's fingers curl into a fist, his nails digging painfully into his flesh as Minseok's words drive a little too close to home. He knows that. He knows, from the very moment he's found out about Soojung's pregnancy, that there's nothing else he could do but to give up on Kyungsoo and move on. He knows that he _has_ to provide Soojung and their child a comfortable life, and it would be terribly irresponsible of him to do otherwise. But it doesn't make things any easier to bear, not when his heart continues to ache for Kyungsoo's presence back in his life.

Sometimes, it's not easy to move on.

"I'm trying, Minseok hyung." He says quietly, even as his gaze flits continuously towards Kyungsoo, only to find the jealousy surging up to claim him once again when he sees how happy Kyungsoo is _without him_.

It's not the reality Jongin wants to live in.

 

\--

 

Be happy.

 

\--

 

Never in a million years did Jongin predict this would happen at such an early point in his life. He isn't against the idea of marriage, not really, but he'd foreseen himself tying the knot much later, perhaps after he's done subspecialising in cardiothoracic surgery and is making enough to support another person apart from himself and his expensive hobbies. Then again, the last couple of months has proved itself to be against everything Jongin has thought impossible to happen, and Jongin honestly thinks he should stop feeling surprised by now.

One thing which will never cease to amaze Jongin, though, is probably how breathtaking Soojung can get each time Jongin sees her. This day probably tops the rest, though, when Soojung walks out of the dressing room in a simple Vera Wang number, a white gown with simple floral details that flares out at the bottom. There's pink dusting her cheeks when Jongin stumbles in his haste to get up from the couch, and the smile which greets him is the most radiant he's ever seen on her.

Jongin had thought about it for a long time, the proposing. There's a constant concern stirring within him, especially when he knows how the uptight community they're living in would shun single mothers, condemning them with the most distasteful choice of words one can possibly think of. He doesn't want to subject Soojung to a life of constant verbal abuse, and despite the fact that he still _wants_ Kyungsoo, he remembers his promise to Minseok, that he'll try his best to provide a happy life to Soojung.

Soojung had been vehemently against the idea at first, claiming that she doesn't care if she has to live with the title of an unmarried mother, and that her parents aren't particular about it, either. But Jongin has his way of talking people into seeing things his way, and after much persuasion, she had finally relented with tears in her eyes.

"You don't like it?" Soojung asks in a small voice when she's close enough to Jongin, her gaze uncertain as she fiddles with the fabric of her dress, probably unsettled by how silent Jongin had been ever since she'd walked out. There's a certain softness in the way she's looking at her dress though – just like the way she takes in all the toddlers' clothing at the store whenever they're out shopping together. She definitely loves the dress, even if she doesn't admit it aloud.

Wearing an encouraging smile, Jongin reaches forward and holds her hands in his, giving it a light squeeze. "You look amazing. Let's get it."

When Soojung looks up and beams at him, Jongin can almost fool himself into believing that he wants this too, that he'll eventually find his happiness with Soojung.

Almost.

 

\--

 

_Have you ever thought about settling down?_

_Have you?_

_Don't answer my question with another question, Jongin._

_(A laugh.) It's a little too early for me to think about settling down, don't you think?_

_You're turning thirty-three this year. Did the thought really not cross your mind? Ever?_

_Thirty-three is but the beginning of a man's life, Soo. Why are you so worried?_

_Reminder that I'm four years older than you are._

_So?_

_And you're the doctor between us two. Forget it._

 

\--

 

I heard about the news. Congratulations. I'm sure you'll be a good husband and an even greater dad.

He isn't sure how long he's been staring at the words, but he thinks it must have been long enough for his eyes to hurt and water from the glare of his screen in the dark. Even when Jongin closes his eyes, he can see the outline of the words imprinted on the back of his eyelids. He exhales heavily and shifts in his position, heart heavy when his gaze falls on Soojung's sleeping form.

_It's just not the same without you_ , Jongin had wanted to type the moment he read the message, but then he remembers about Soojung and the engagement ring on her finger and he stops his own fingers from dancing across the keyboard. Even though Soojung had told him time and again that she doesn't mind seeing Jongin together with Kyungsoo, he still couldn't do it, not when his guilty conscience stands in the way.

It's unfair. _He's_ unfair. He knows that; has been telling himself the same thing whenever he finds himself thinking about Kyungsoo, but it seems as though there's nothing he could do to stop his mind from wandering to those heart-shaped lips, wide eyes, and pale skin. He feels like he's drowning neck deep in the throes of insanity, between wanting Kyungsoo and holding himself back. Then again, Jongin had been brought up in an environment which forces him to take full responsibility over everything he does, and when he takes notice of the small bump on Soojung beneath the covers, he's reminded exactly why he _needs_ to get over Kyungsoo – and fast.

Swallowing the last of his regrets, Jongin burrows himself beneath the covers too, wrapping an arm around Soojung's sleeping frame and pulling her that much closer to him.

_I'm sorry_ are the words which tumble off his lips continuously as he tries to lull himself into succumbing to his exhaustion. He just isn't sure to whom those words are directed to.

 

\--

 

Sometimes, he wonders if Kyungsoo is as affected as he is by his upcoming marriage with Soojung, when he bumps into Kyungsoo one day, walking out of the Matron's office with his gaze downcast.

Kyungsoo's expressions are tight when he looks up to offer an apology, and Jongin can see the way he's clenching his jaw – something Kyungsoo does when he's frustrated with himself. He must've been reprimanded by the Matron, for mere moments ago, Jongin could hear the woman raising her voice at Kyungsoo. Something doesn't sit right with Jongin, however – Kyungsoo is always, _always_ careful with his work, and has never committed a single mistake for as long as Jongin has known him. Kyungsoo is a perfectionist, and wouldn't accept anything less than that while he's at his job.

He merely shakes his head and offers Jongin a grim smile when Jongin asks, though, and walks away without another word said.

When did Kyungsoo begin refusing to tell Jongin things about his life, he wonders, as he watches Kyungsoo's retreating back.

 

\--

 

Be happy. Please, be happy.

 

\--

 

Jongin can't hear anything else above the rush of blood in his ears. What he _can_ feel, though, is the way his lungs seared in his chest with every successive breath taken, the way his heels are hurting from all the running he's been doing. He ignores even the other staff members who greet him along the way, their surprised faces passing him by in a complete blur. He can only focus on pushing down the franticness in his mind, not wanting to dwell upon what Soojung's message to him might have meant.

He had been in the midst of resting for yet another of his on-call duties that evening when the words I've been admitted. U shd come stat popped up on the screen of his phone, and instantly his heart had dropped to the pit of his stomach. For as long as Jongin had known Soojung, she's a strong girl who doesn't fall sick that easily. For her to have sent him such a message would mean that something was wrong, and his brain had unhelpfully provided him with the worst case scenario.

Soojung's complexion is a lot paler than he remembers when Jongin finally arrives at the private room she's been provided with, and the smile she flashes at him is entirely too heartbreaking. The numbness spreads to the tips of his fingers as Jongin trudges into the room, his energy completely spent, and he falls bonelessly onto the chair situated beside Soojung's bed, his hand automatically holding Soojung's outstretched one in his.

It's never been this cold.

"Hey," he croaks, trying to keep his tone light. He knows he's been assuming the worst, but still Jongin hopes fervently that his hunch is wrong. "Did you overwork yourself again? Remember what I said about taking things easy?"

Soojung smiles thinly at him in response. Her grip around his hand tightens, and it almost feels like an invisible force is squeezing around his heart at the gesture. "I'm sorry, Jongin. I should have listened–"

It's all that Soojung manages to say, before she throws her arms around him and weeps openly. Even if she didn't tell him what exactly had caused her to be hospitalised, the way she's crying can only mean one thing – Jongin's guess is right.

A stray tear escapes the corner of his eyes, bringing with it the stressful emotions he's been harbouring for the last couple of months, and the guilt which is steadily climbing once again. He won't be a father any time soon, after all, but Jongin can't find a reason to be happy about that.

 

\--

 

I'm sorry for everything. I should've been more careful, shouldn't have worked myself to the point of exhaustion. But with the baby gone, I guess you're liberated now. Thank you for the memories. It's been a great two months, being able to watch it grow for a bit with you. Thank you, thank you, and I'm sorry. Don't lose the person you truly love, or you might really regret it.

 

 

 

_What if... I don't want to be liberated?_

 

\--

 

Just when he thinks that things can't possibly get any worse, Jongin is proved very, _very_ wrong once again.

It has been an extremely exhausting week for him, juggling his life between his work and visiting Soojung who hasn't been allowed to leave the hospital just yet due to her poor health after losing the baby. Even though he has always joked about the hospital being his home, Jongin doesn't think there's a cause for laughter this time. He's practically spent the entire week _living_ in the hospital, unable to bring himself to head home to rest, not when Soojung isn't discharged yet. The uncomfortable sleeping conditions, coupled with his constant worrying over Soojung's health and his responsibilities at work, have all taken a great toll on Jongin's mental state and concentration.

He's never made this many mistakes with his decisions before, each more terrible than the one preceding it. Even Jongwoon, his head of department, had taken it upon himself to give Jongin a lecture in the confines of his office, reminding him gravely about the Hippocrates' Oath and his responsibilities as a doctor. Jongin can only hang his head and promise that he'll get his act together as soon as possible, without putting any of his patients' lives in danger.

He's successful for the most part – though at the expense of scaring most of his interns with his labile temper. It's difficult to put a leash on his emotions, when his mind is already hard at work trying to keep everything else under control, and more often than not, Jongin would snap at the slightest of mistakes his interns have committed.

Tonight, though – tonight, he doesn't think he'll ever forgive himself for what had just happened. Jongin feels emotionally drained, after having spoken to a patient's family members, and their words are still haunting his senses, even though it's been an hour since the incident and he's holed up in his private office, with only the deafening silence as his companion. Even his scrubs feel heavy on his back, and Jongin begins to wonder if he's still cut out for this profession, where you have to sacrifice everything else – including your happiness – for everyone who comes walking through the hospital's doors.

_You said he had a good chance of surviving_ , he can still hear his patient's daughter scream at him once he's done telling them the news of their father's demise on the operating table. _You_ said _he could proceed with the chemotherapy the moment you get that damned thing out of his stomach!_

It hadn't been a lie, what Jongin had told them before the surgery. The patient had shown promising signs of recovery after the initial treatment to shrink the size of his tumour, which was why Jongin had decided to proceed with the resection surgery upon receiving the green light from Jongwoon himself. But that's how the medical field is – unpredictable things can happen during the operation itself, as even the most advanced of imaging studies may not be able to give them the most wholesome view of what they might find upon opening up the patient's skin on the table.

The tumour was found to be highly vascular, which gave Jongin and his team a lot of trouble trying to ligate every single vessel they could find. By the time they had managed to suppress the vessel which was bleeding the most, the patient's blood pressure had crashed, causing his heart to fail completely. Jongin's own heart fell the moment he heard the alarm on the cardiac monitor go off, accompanied by the telltale sound of it flat-lining, and he'd been the first person to initiate the resuscitation process.

Thirty minutes on and without the slightest semblance of a normal cardiac rhythm or the presence of a pulse, the anaesthetist who'd been with them had halted all resuscitation efforts, and pronounced the patient dead.

Jongin opens his eyes and glances down at his open palms just then, swallowing hard when he can see the blood stains on his hands. No matter how many times he's tried to wash his hands after the operation and wipe them over and over again, he can't seem to remove the blotches from his skin, even when they're already peeling. It's only when the pain registers that he realises he's hallucinating, but it doesn't change a thing.

_Murderer_ , the patient's daughter had yelled at him when he'd walked off earlier, and Jongin laughs through his tears at the thought, unable to bring himself to refute that statement. He's a murderer, and he's going to have to live with the label for the rest of his life.

 

\--

 

_Are you sure about this?_

_What's not to be sure of?_

_Jongin, it's not your fault. No one could have predicted–_

_It_ is _my fault. He didn't want to proceed with the surgery. He didn't care if he suffered towards the end, but he didn't want to go through the humiliation of having a stoma bag. I persuaded him, and I was the one who cut his life short._

_It always happens in our field. Shouldn't you know that by now?_

_It still doesn't discount the fact that it's my fault. And I will bear full responsibility for it._

_...if you say so. You can always change your mi–_

_Thank you. I will see you around._

 

\--

 

One week without any human contact, yet Jongin realises that he can't be fucked. It's better this way, when the outside world can't see how he's slowly destroying himself in the confines of his apartment. It doesn't matter, anyway, not when he's lost everything he has ever come to know and love.

It's why he doesn't stir when he hears the sound of the doorbell ringing, and remained unmoving from the surface of his leather sofa. The sound seems so distant, as though the walls of his home have grown thinner, and he thinks he's hearing the sound of his neighbour's doorbell instead. It isn't until someone starts slamming their hands against Jongin's door and calling for him that he realises that a visitor is at _his_ doorstep.

Even the movements of his muscles feel foreign to him when Jongin finally peels himself off the sofa, each step giving him a dull ache deep in his joints from the disuse. Nevertheless, along with his annoyance at being disturbed, all that is forgotten when he throws the door open and finds a familiar face staring right back at him.

"Why didn't you tell me you resigned?" It's the first thing Kyungsoo spits at him, his words filled with anger and frustration and Jongin just can't figure out _why_. Kyungsoo is supposed to have moved on by now, and be happy with Park Chanyeol, not standing here looking at the mess Jongin has become.

The mere thought of seeing Kyungsoo being with someone else is more than enough to rile Jongin up once again, and he averts his gaze. "I didn't think you'd care. There's no reason for you to, with Park Chanyeol and all."

What Jongin didn't expect was for Kyungsoo to actually barge into his apartment and push Jongin up against the wall, angry breaths fanning across his skin. "Don't you _dare_ insinuate that I'd be able to walk away that easily after everything that has happened between us." Kyungsoo seethes, his grip on the front of Jongin's shirt tight.

"You leave me no reason to believe otherwise." Jongin tells Kyungsoo, the fight slowly seeping out of him. It's never easy to remain angry at Kyungsoo, especially now that he feels guilty for everything that has happened between them. The worry in Kyungsoo's eyes floods Jongin's senses and threatens to drown him.

"And why is that? Because you don't believe me enough?" Kyungsoo challenges, and once again Jongin is reminded of the fact that Kyungsoo can be very intimidating at times.

"That's not true–"

"Then _what_ , Jongin?" The other man practically snaps, shoving Jongin back against the wall in an attempt to get his point across. "Was I wrong to think that you still wanted me to care?"

Jongin opens his mouth in an attempt to refute that statement, but in the end his heart triumphs over his logical state of mind. He doesn't understand why he's even trying to push Kyungsoo away, when it's clear to the world that he _wants_ Kyungsoo, has never wanted anyone else this badly before.

"Jongin, please–" Kyungsoo speaks up again when the silence stretches on, though this time his intonation has taken a softer edge, his grip on Jongin's shirt slackening. Jongin almost stops breathing when Kyungsoo's hand comes up to caress his cheek, but he stops resisting and leans into the touch he's been craving all this while. "Let me in again. Tell me what's wrong, like you've always had even if you thought I wasn't listening."

The mere thought of it brings a sad smile to Jongin's lips, and before he knows it, the words are being lured out of his tongue. "What am I to do with you, Kyungsoo? After you left–" He swallows hard, willing himself not to succumb to his emotions yet, not when he's not even done telling Kyungsoo all the things he's been wanting to say. "–it was completely tormenting. I couldn't focus on my work, made bad decisions, all because I was preoccupied with how I should win you back and convince you it was all a mistake.

"And then the baby happened, which was why I had willingly let you go, willingly took the responsibility upon myself to marry Soojung, to give her a happy life, because I knew it was unfair for me to leave her behind and continue pursuing you, when it was obvious that I've hurt you, betrayed your trust. But in the end, I lost the child, lost Soojung, and lost _you_ –"

Jongin chokes up at the mere thought that he might not savour Kyungsoo's warmth at this close a distance ever again, and his walls crumble completely, causing Jongin to press his face in the crook of Kyungsoo's neck. It's terrifying, when you can't even touch someone who's so close to you.

"Jongin–" Kyungsoo whispers, his hand coming up to rest against the base of Jongin's spine. "You haven't lost me. Unless you want it to happen."

Dazed, Jongin blinks and pulls himself away from Kyungsoo. Is he hearing that right? "What–?"

He doesn't get to finish his question though, the smouldering look in Kyungsoo's eyes making his throat go dry. Jongin can feel his pulse racing when Kyungsoo goes on tiptoes, because he's been in this situation plenty of times, knows the meaning behind Kyungsoo's gaze, yet he still can't quite believe that it's happening right now, that Kyungsoo still desires him as much as he desires Kyungsoo, despite everything that has happened.

"You thought I wasn't affected by my leaving you. It's not true. I just–" Kyungsoo pauses a little to find his words, "–I am so _in love_ with you. I can't even think straight with you gone, done as many mistakes that you haven't noticed. I felt _shattered_ when I found out you were getting married with Soojung–"

Kyungsoo's confession makes Jongin feel a little braver, a little surer that he isn't hoping for the impossible, and he reels Kyungsoo in by his waist. He watches in fascination as Kyungsoo's lashes flutter shut, and his breaths slowly evens out with each inhale.

"We called it off – the wedding, I mean." Jongin informs, and he can hear the sharp intake of breath from Kyungsoo, a gesture of surprise.

_Why_ is Kyungsoo's sincere question, but Jongin only curls his fingers on the underside of Kyungsoo's jaw, lowering his face down to meet Kyungsoo's.

"I proposed for the sake of the baby, but now that we've lost it, Soojung thinks there isn't a point in continuing with a farce that'll make us both suffer in the long run. But most importantly–" Jongin lowers his head further so that their lips are touching, and he can feel Kyungsoo's own lips parting slightly in anticipation. "–she knows that my heart is still with you."

Kyungsoo seems to have liked what he hears, and he applies just a little more pressure against Jongin's lips and smiles. "I think–" A finger traces the waistband of Jongin's pants, and Jongin inhales. "–I will need you to show me what you meant, Mr Kim."

Jongin surges forward and catches Kyungsoo's bottom lip between his teeth, the way he knows Kyungsoo likes it.

"The pleasure is all mine, Nurse Do."

 

\--

 

There's a peculiar sort of bliss – one that's sorely missed – when Jongin opens his eyes in the morning and finds Kyungsoo in bed with him. A few weeks ago, he would have thought this scene impossible to fulfil ever again, but right now, he's only thankful that God is being merciful with him in more ways than one.

While he knows Kyungsoo is probably going to reprimand him for being cheesy, but it doesn't stop Jongin from pressing a chaste kiss to Kyungsoo's forehead, the way he has always done to wake Kyungsoo up if the latter ever decides to sleep in. As expected, Kyungsoo stirs in his sleep by the gesture, and there's a small frown creasing his brows when he opens his eyes and finds himself in a familiar yet not-so-familiar bed. Jongin solves this by smoothing out the creases with the pad of his thumb.

"Morning, love," he greets, though to his surprise, Kyungsoo actually smiles at him instead of telling him off for disturbing him.

"Morning," Kyungsoo mumbles sleepily, snuggling closer to Jongin to steal his warmth. "Had a good sleep?"

"With you here, that's a given." Jongin replies cheekily, but the seriousness seeps in moments later when the insecurities comes back to assault him. "But yesterday night... did you do it because you pitied me?"

Kyungsoo stills and glances up at Jongin at the question, though his hold around Jongin's waist never slackens. "Do you think I'd ever do something out of pity?" He asks, then presses a kiss to Jongin's lips. "I've had my reservations before this, worrying if you'd ever cheat on me again, since you've done it once. And I've honestly considered not seeing you for good."

"Yet?" Jongin prompts, knowing Kyungsoo has left something unsaid. He's not exactly prepared for the smile Kyungsoo flashes at him, however, and his heart stutters from the brilliance.

"Yet I can't stop myself from wanting to be with you. So much so that I think I'm going insane." Kyungsoo says quietly, but it's more than everything Jongin has ever wanted to hear from someone who's as reserved with his feelings as Kyungsoo.

He can't stop the silly grin that's threatening to split his face apart, and Jongin laces his fingers with Kyungsoo's, holding his hand tightly. "I promise that I'll never hurt you again. Losing you is something that I can never bear, I've realised, and I'll try hard to keep my word this time."

And Jongin knows that Kyungsoo has forgiven him when he leans up and smiles widely against Jongin's lips. Sometimes, all they need between them aren't words, but simple gestures to show each other that they still care.

"That is more than enough, Jongin. That's more than enough." Kyungsoo whispers back, and Jongin's heart threatens to burst with how happy he is, when the heat of Kyungsoo's body sears against his skin.


End file.
